Amazing Dream

I have these epic bouts with migraine headaches. However toward the end, I often get these ideas or epiphanies that lead me on to the next stage of life. It's a strange balance, because there is nothing I would rather avoid than another migraine. Ideas however, are something I long for, especially good ideas, important life changing ideas.

The past couple weeks I've had a headache, that eventually lead to a massive migraine that put me in bed the last couple days. I haven't eaten, barely able to drink water. I lay in bed, and periodically take a hot shower, only to return to bed until there is more hot water to take another shower. The hot shower is the only relief I get, I know of nothing else that will ease the pressure in my head, and as soon as I'm out of the shower, the pain returns.

After a couple days of this, I fell asleep and had a vivid dream. A beautiful angel came to me, joined me in my bed. She was beautiful, in fact, one of my many ideals of beauty. She seemed about 17, slightly plump with baby fat. When she lay beside me, her white gown revealed a perfect breast. The kind of breast that was once the mold for the first champagne glass, supposedly molded from the breast of Aphrodite as the ancient tale goes.

There was a feeling of passion, and sexual desire between us, although we only embraced. It felt so good to be beside her, to feel the excitement of someone new next to me. To cup her breast in my hand and hold her close. The room and bed became ethereal. White light and billowing white linens filled the space until I was somewhere else, almost heaven.

She asked me why I live in fear. I told her that I did not know what she meant. She asked me why I was here in Maine, and I told her that I wanted to be close to my aging grandfather. She told me to let go, to live, not live in fear. She asked me about my family, and my motivations. I explained that I wanted the best for my wife and daughter. I wanted to protect them from the evils of the world. She told me to let go, stop living in fear, and to live.

She asked me this, besides death, illness, or injury, what do you fear?

I said I fear disappointing those I love. She told me to let go, to stop living in fear, and to live. I told her that I feared that the world will hurt my child, abuse her, use her, fool her. I told the angel that I didn't want the things that happened to me to happen to her. The angel told me there is nothing I can do about that. Life is in motion, and we all must fall down or we never learn to get back up.

I wept in her arms.

She asked me, in a perfect world what do you want to be? I told her that I like to teach art, and be an artist. I long to create all the time, and I long for a community that supports that. She asked me why is it that I am not doing these things?

I realized that everything I am is in direct response to those I love most. I want to be exactly what my family wants me to be, and even though none of them have asked anything from me, I have somehow come up with what I think they want me to be, and I've tried to be it. I"ve somehow put immense pressure on myself, with no stimuli from others.

She said, let go, stop living in fear, and live.

I weep now just thinking about it. She told me that every fear I have besides the universal fears of death, illness, and injury, are all things that I must face, and do in order to truly live. That every fear is simply the things I want to do, but think that all others would not want me to do.

I told her that once I was so naive, so pure. In fact I grew to quite an old age before I became corrupted. Before I knew to fear. I used to be myself, no apologies. Now in middle age, I have become a burden to myself. I fear everything. I'm a conspiracist, I trust nothing. Governments, the medical world, disease, horror, violence. All my fears have created what I am today. A recluse inside my own home with no contact to others. All I see is traps and lies.

I told her that I never got a license to drive a car because I was afraid I might hurt someone. I told her that I created an Internet empire so that I didn't have to leave the house and go outside anymore. I succeeded at building my own guilded cage. Trapped safe inside with my fears.

The angel was right. I desire passion, the excitement of the new and unknown. I want a feeling of freedom instead of this weight of the world I've put on my own shoulders. I want to leave it all behind. I fear starting over.

Deep down I know what I want, but somehow always find a way to talk myself out of it, and disguise it all as responsibility. I must provide for my family, I must be a good son, good husband, good father. I have swept many dreams away doing this. I use money as an excuse, when there is plenty. All of this is because I fear the first step, I fear failure, I fear rejection. I fear upsetting those that I want to please. I fear upsetting those I love. I've grown lazy, grumpy, and sad. The angel was right. I live in fear.

She kissed me. We cuddled and rolled around. I haven't felt so young and free like this for so long. It made me realize that I need that. Everyone needs that feeling. Vitality. I heard footsteps, and felt like two young teenagers being caught by her parents, although no one entered. I joked, is this OK? She just shook her head, and I say, I know, I know, don't live in fear, just live.